being thankful even when you feel like you can't

one thing that i am struggling with the past few months is not being thankful for what i do have and focusing on what i don't have or what i want to have, i have a set mind on what i want and where i want to be but in order for that to happen i know i myself have to change my ways, now the sad part is i know a few people who will read this and feel a pleasure knowing i feel down and then i know there are a lot of people out there who are going through the same thing and feel they can relate to this post.
one of the most things i am grateful in life for is my husband, now before you go and think my kids are not number 1? let me explain!
before my husband came into my life i was just lost, i was a single mom and was living in the shadows i was trapped, everything i did was wrong, according to everyone, if i spoke i caused an argument, it doesn't matter what i did or what i said i was always in the wrong and i was always estranged from everyone, i did not belong and i was not accepted,when my husband came into my life he showed me that i was important and i was special, at least to him, he opened the door to another level he showed me the way to believe in myself. he showed me that there is life and life can be beautiful and amazing, he made me see the light, i was reborn especially in my faith, god was real like really real. this man that god had sent loved me for me, never judged me or made me feel like i was nothing,he made me his queen. i am proud to say that for the past 15 years he has stuck by me no matter what and we are still going strong. that's why when i have to give thanks i have to go to him first, as its cause of him i am so passionate about my beautiful kids. my kids are my every day blessing, there are days when i am going to loose my mind and its really not them its more the situation, like every mom out there, there are times when i go to the bathroom to give myself a ''timeout'' and then its all good. sometimes just asking the lord to help me through this has worked wonders,my oldest child, my beautiful daughter saved my life in so many ways, i didn't know what love was really about till i laid eyes on her, when times were hard and depression was bad she made me smile no matter what people had to say about me. every time a child was born i was always worried if i would have enough love and time for each and every one, but as soon as they were born it would be falling in love all over again, there is no such thing as not having enough or not having enough time, believe me you just do it.
there is not a day that goes by that i don't think of our baby we lost, he would be walking around here and would almost be 12 now, but i know god had his reasons., there is always something that don't feel right or someone missing and then it hits me. another thing we struggle with is how bad we would love more kids to our family but cant, its hard especially when you know what your heart wants and needs.
some days its hard, when you know you need to talk to someone and there is no one, you have no family to talk to or call, my husband and i share everything but there are some things that only a real friend or family member would understand, being strong all the time gets tiring some days.


our goals as a couple and family is to own a home not a regular home our home, one thing i know we do all the time is live outside our means meaning we buy things and do things that have no meaning or necessity so for us to achieve our goal we have decided to budget and cut down all our spending and so far its working, it has been super challenging going into target and walking away especially from clearance items (lol) so its a learning process, by now the kids would have about 15 gifts each under the tree, and i don't have not even 1 under there, we have decided to cut from 15 to 5 each, i have a few just haven't wrapped them up yet, it has been super busy and i seriously haven't had much time to get out.

so what am i thankful for and need to make sure i never forget
my husband, who tolerates all the crazy i do and all my emotions, my kids whom make me a better person and teach me motherhood on a daily basis, i am grateful i get to stay home with these amazing kids to make sure they are safe and i owe this to my husband,.
instead of wanting ''my house'' so much be thankful i have a house to live in, as much as we want more children be grateful for our beautiful 6, instead of wanting certain things be grateful for what i have, so there it is, some confessions of a mom who just like you struggles.

y'all stay safe and blessed

R~