The Struggle With Fertility!!

when i get asked how many kids i have and i answer 6, people sure wouldn't think that i  struggle with fertility problems.
So it has taken me a very long time to open up about this and i have decided to explain and go a little into detail about what really is the problem.
I conceived my first 3 with no problems, i have had short yet very painful labors with all the kids. with my first i almost died as i hemorrhaged pretty bad, but that's another thing to tell at a later date.
When i got pregnant with my 4th baby we were really over joyed as it took about 3 months when it happened, at that time we were living in Europe and seeing your doctor before 8 weeks is not really a thing there. so i went for my first scan when i was about 18 weeks into my pregnancy, this was almost 12 years ago so seeing as i had kids prior my doctor' was not too worried so a scan was scheduled later as everything looked fine other wise including blood work.
the day of my scan i went in alone as my husband just started a job and couldn't take off, the technician seemed to be pressing really hard on my stomach and kept asking me my dates again and kept stopping and starting the scan.she suggested that i go into the doctors office for a scan to be performed by him as he is having problems finding a heart beat.so i called the receptionist and she got me in that same evening, this time my husband was with me and i was a bundle of nerves, even with all the support my husband gave me i still knew something was wrong. the moment came and he performed a vaginal ultrasound, and to our horror the baby didn't have a heartbeat,we both looked at each other and without words knew just how we felt. the worst part was i had to go home and wait to miscarriage. he had said i should miscarriage the baby in 2 weeks, the worst part of walking out the office was knowing my baby was dead inside me and i couldn't do a thing, 20 weeks came along and signs of miscarriage started, i had to be taken by ambulance as i was starting to hemorrhage again. the only thing i remember is being rushed to the emergency room put on a wheelchair and there was blood dripping everywhere, the performed a emergency DNC and the next thing i remember was waking up wrapped in foil cover to keep me warm.i remember having all the nurses ask me if i was OK and the only thing i could say was yes, i just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone.
Our doctor said we could try again in 6 weeks. so we did try and got pregnant again. it took some time but we had a beautiful rainbow baby boy who is now 10 years old. after having him i taught i was done having kids, i now had 4 and i taught that's a good number to stop and after the year and half we had i wasn't sure i wanted to go through that again. a year later we moved back to the states and something lighted inside and my husband felt the same way, so we decided to try again. this time it took 6 months and we had a little scare as i was showing signs of miscarriage in the beginning. after having a beautiful baby girl after 3 boys i knew i wanted another little girl, so we started trying again and it took 22 months of trying which were super stressful and we gave up a few times. at this time we knew wanted 8 kids and even thou that sounded crazy for many people who saw us together and our kids understood how much our family matters. so after 22 months of trying and praying for another blessing the lord gave us a beautiful baby girl, i remember telling my husband that i don't know how late i am so he said take a test it cant hurt, i took the test and my husband was the one waiting, next thing i know we are both in tears and hugging each other, the next day my doctor did a scan and there was this beautiful blessing with a strong heartbeat and i was already 9 weeks. our doctor suggested and gave us the go ahead that if we wanted we were clear to start trying right away as everything went perfect, so we did, our baby girl now is no longer a baby girl she is going to be 4 this December. it has been over 3 years that we have been trying, we have been on fertility medication and 3 failed IUI's in April we decided to stop trying and stressing about it. we both have decided to do whatever it takes to get our minds off it. its still a hard journey even thou we have both found peace somehow, what makes it harder is looking at the kids and knowing i can never have more,i am super blessed and i thank the lord for what i have every single day, some people may think its selfish wanting more when you already have kids but everyone has there own needs and wants and the heart knows what it wants. my heart breaks and goes out to every woman struggling weather its the first child or second, having second infertility has been something that I'm still struggling with,
i don't know if we will ever have another bundle of joy to hold but i do know everything happens for a reason, right now our only focus is on our kids and homeschooling and moving and my husband starting a new job. its hard sitting here writing about it but it also helps getting it off my chest.

if you have read this and are still reading THANK YOU!!

as always stay safe and blessed

R~